So Many Things To Do

"Alpha and Omega" original painting by Ruthie Robbins

I was looking forward to my summer break. As a homeschool mom I am like many teachers who count the days down to summer, day dreaming of all the ways I am going to spend my leisure time. I have plans to paint and read and catch up on time with my friends, maybe even try a new recipe or two. Can any of you relate to this? And then BAM! Your plans get blown up or you simply remember that your schedule is not really yours alone and that your kids still need you because as mom you don't really get a vacation and not all things are on hold just because it is summer.

Last year some time I committed to being a director for my church's VBS and with that came a two year commitment. I am one and a half years into it and my mind is not totally there. I want to spend my time my way checking items off my summer bucket list, but I committed to do this and when I vow to do something I do it will all my heart. I am an all or nothing kinda girl. If I'm just not into it I just say no!  And Vacation Bible School is one of those things that is really important to my kids, an outreach and discipleship tool for my church and teaching and leading others is a passion of mine. With that however comes WAY more time than my heart is willing to give. I have spent the last few hours pouring over the Bible lessons, not because I am teaching them, but because I am overseeing that area and thereby responsible to support those teachers and help gather needed materials and be available for questions. That is only one part of my duties and as a worrier by nature my mind has been flooded with concerns over what we have yet to get done and VBS is only weeks away. I am freaking out a bit.

This is not a burden I bear alone. Three other brave women stand with me in this adventure and together with a team of volunteers we will attempt to live out the Gospel through our teaching, our conversations and our actions. If you have ever attended or lead a VBS you know first hand that it is a beautifully orchestrated chaotic circus of fun, noise and good news!  Anytime you put that many children in one place it is a recipe for either glorious fun or complete disaster and as I said earlier I am a worrier and sometimes a pessimist. I like to say that I am simply a realist, but because I suffer from depression and anxiety the truth is that I struggle to not see the negative side of most everything, sometimes, often, but not always.

Rather than see how much we have not gotten done or envisioning how things could go wrong I could focus on what I am not enjoying on MY LIST while I prepare and attend planning meetings for above stated VBS. Somehow I don't think that is what God would have me focus on either. You see He has used this rather monumental task of pulling off a successful VBS to reveal in me a deep seated selfishness. I want things my way, on my time, and they must only be fun enjoyable activities that I have been notified of ahead of time. Ok so I am not this difficult in real life, but only in my head and heart and from what I have read in the Bible that is an area God is very much concerned about. 1Samuel 16:7 says," But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.""

So you might be asking yourself what all this rambling is about. Is is about VBS and how it will all go or me not getting what I want or a rant from a crazy lady?  It is my confession and my agreement with God that I have heart issues and that my selfishness gets in the way of His plans.  And He uses these plans of his to root out in me that which is undesirable and fills me with what is good.  He fills me with Himself.  I pray what David did in Psalm 139:23 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."

I hope that you will pray the same prayer with me and ask God to reveal to you what it is He is trying to say to you during this season of your life.

With love,